Remembering

As someone that has spent many a holiday curled up in the bottom of a vodka bottle I'd have to say this time of year can be rough. I like to celebrate, rejoice, and embrace the new year with the best of them, but this time of year causes one to reflect. Remembering is the key for me. Over two years sober, living an incredible life, I choose to remember the bad times lest I forget my growth. This time of year can be humbling. As I transition into the new year I carry with me the knowledge of where I've been and the burden of knowing the pain I've caused others. Revisiting, remembering, exposing myself to lessons learned I reach towards the new year with my feet firmly planted in the twisted chaos that birthed me. To those that are feeling sorrow, pain, and loneliness and those that are feeling joy, love and community I wish a safe and healthy new year. I know how it is to feel alone in a crowded room. I also know how it feels to be alone and content. I may not have the answers, in fact I usually end up with more questions, but I do know that we all need to feel a sense of belonging. May we all be in a better place a year from now and let's hope it's crowded.

Ralph's on Christmas eve

I went to Ralph's, the grocery store, on Christmas eve. The parking lot was packed. Headlights and taillights inching forward and it seemed like no one was in a hurry. I went around the parking lot twice only to settle on going in the underground parking which was full as well. I figured if the parking lot was a mess going into the belly of the beast would be quite a thrill. To my surprise the place was full of people shopping quite contently. No kids, but there were a few children. Peaceful shoppers pushing their carts. I got the feeling that most of the people there were just happy to be somewhere. By no means were these people needy. We weren't looking but maybe in a sense we all found a moment of zen in the holiday madness. It felt like I had entered a meeting that had been brought together with a collective sigh of calmness. It was a warm environment, not full of cheer but it did have a serene feel to it. It was odd indeed. I relish moments like this. I felt in tune. I was a player in this holiday scene. By no means was there a Christmas miracle happening on aisle 4, but it was our Christmas eve and I thank those that spent it with me.

Don't forget!!!

I dreamed I lost my memories. It was more of a feeling of searching, stumbling towards something that should be there only to find it wasn't. Not only had I lost my memories, I was unable to embrace new ones. Events were happening but I was unable to record them. Aggravated by the inability to capture my life, remember, share... I woke up alone. I am trying to force my thoughts back into there resting places, shelve the frustration. I will shake off the sleep and embrace the new day like I always do. At least I think I do, if I remember that right.

I found a smell...

I found a smell today. I wasn't looking for a smell, nor was I sniffing for one, but a smell I found. My smeller has kept me from harms way in the past and I'd wager it will again in the future. I've whiffed smoke, gas, and rotten meat; all are things I choose to avoid. I've let my sniffer lead me to places such as a restaurants and bakeries. The aroma of coffee and fresh muffins, hanging in the warm air, welcomes me to comfort. Ah the blessings of my beak!

The smell I stumbled upon today was in the form of a dryer sheet. A Downey 'cashmere and silk fresh' fabric softening sheet. I can't get my nose away from the box. I can't come up with a single event, person, or location in my mind that would place this smell in my history, but there is no mistaking the feeling of comfort, an almost cuddly sense of stability that comes from my newly discovered laundry companion.

Life is not easy. I don't want to give away all of my secrets, but I'll let you in a little closer. I arm myself with everything I can before I venture out into this world. Each day I step into society, I do so with a decent education, a fair amount of compassion, clarity, and now a dryer sheet.

Political Correctness can kiss my Christmas celebrating, non church going, republican white ass!!

They call it, 'the Holiday season'

not Christmas, Kwanzaa, or Festivus.

It's said to save 'hurt feelings'

uniqueness taken from the rest of us.

I have plenty of frying pans.

About six months ago I got a knock at my door. I don't ever get knocks at my door. To be perfectly honest, I'm not fond of people coming to my home, and this was unexpected.

I opened the door and was greeted by a woman. She was a small woman, thin build, plenty of grey hair. I'd guess she was in her early 60's. She introduced herself and proceeded to tell me that she was my neighbor, we share a fence near my bedroom window. We had some very minor chit-chat that turned into an odd conversation. She proceeded to explain to me, rather matter-of-factly, that she makes noise and cries at night. That I shouldn't be alarmed if I hear her. She apologized if she had kept me awake. She kept assuring me not to worry and that she was under doctors supervision, she even said that she should be in a hospital and was going to be going soon. To my knowledge Jackie never went to the hospital.

I have no idea what is happening to that woman. I was waken by her again last night. I grabbed a pen and wrote.

Crying, glass breaking.

Everyone knows the sound of a frying pan hitting the floor.

I was told, warned.

So I lay idle feet away, remembering my own depressions.

I cried, I broke...

I want you to have my frying pans.

It's not fucking fair my tortured little taker of sleep.